9 Reasons to avoid a noob Dom

Preface: this is a bit of a different sort of post than I usually publish.  I was in an odd mood and decided to try humor as a vehicle for talking about some otherwise unfunny things.  I’m going to use foul language a great deal more than normal.  You may not like the results.  But rest assured, I’ll be back with my normal fare soon enough.  Until then, peruse and send in the hate mail…

Firstly, I’d like to go on record as saying that I generally abhor Top N lists, where N is any number you like to put there… They’re all over the interwebs though, and I’m told that if I write one, the readers will come in droves, that I’ll be featured on reddit and slashdot, and that I’ll immediately enjoy overnight success, fame, money, and of course, more pussy than I can shake a stick at.

Why I’d want to shake a stick at it, I don’t know… if you can tell me that, I’ll give you a dollar.*

Please regard this entry, in it’s entirety, as farce.

Of course, some parts of this may be using humor to tackle a problematic and sensitive topic.  Take it as you will… I just wrote it, it’s up to you to interpret it.

6) Bigger’n his britches syndrome

Otherwise known as “my cock is so big that I can’t fit it in my pants” – syndrome.

Let’s face it, the allure of BDSM for most of us is sex.  If not sex directly, it’s something related to sex.  It’s an expression of how we do sex, or it’s a way to more easily find suitable sex partners who will put up with our deviant pruriencies.

For many men (and possibly some women too) sex is not an altogether easy thing to get in the vanilla world.  A young man can become easily frustrated trying to chase tail and getting rejected implicitly and explicitly all over the place.

People who are attracted to the BDSM lifestyle tend to be highly sexually motivated.  They tend to be inclusive and are often more open with what they find to be physically attractive.  The important factors for submissives are often more about how you act than how you look.  To many of the newly initiated, this looks like a ‘magic sex switch’.

“Hey, if I just act like an asshole, I’ll be drowning in pussy,” thinks the naive young proto-Dom.

The problem is, that about half the time, he’s right.

It takes a little while before you can tell the difference between asshole and Dominant in some cases.  And often, that’s long enough for the naive proto-Dom to get his dick wet, and suddenly he thinks that he’s the Daddy Mac or the Mac Daddy or somesuch.

Eventually the proto-sub that our proto-Dom has been treating like garbage realizes that being treated like garbage has nothing to do with Dominance and she flees.  But our proto-Dom has just had more and better sex than he’s ever seen in his life, and he reasons that if he can just be even more asshole-ish that he can get even more pussy, and so the spiral begins…

Avoid these types like the plague, because they’re not experienced enough to be as promiscuous as they’ve become and they’re probably infected with a strain or three.

And yes, I realize that I promised 9 items in the title and I started my list with 6.  9 is not 6 and 6 is not 9, and while I am a huge fan of cunnilingus, 69 is not among my favorite positions, but it’s fun every once in awhile.

5) Over 10 years of experience!

Profile:

Screen Name: ClitMasterGodCommander848

Role: Dominant/Master

Gender: Male

Age: 25

Experience Level: Master (10+ years)

Activity Level: I live and breath it!

Seeking: Female Submissive

Profile Text:

“I have ben a DOM all my life. I live the DBSM lifestyle 24/7 n I will PWN you.  Cum now and pray to ur GOD!”

I don’t care how adventurous you are, but if you are 25, no one is going to believe that you have “over 10 years of experience as a DOM(sic).”

When you’re talking about years of experience, you should make sure that it makes sense.  I am 40 years old.  I claim to have been in and out of the BDSM lifestyle for the past 15 years (or slightly more) but if I were to claim ‘years of experience’ I would be most comfortable saying that I have about 5 years of active experience.  For the majority of the time since I’ve been inducted into this lifestyle, I’ve lived a pretty vanilla life.  I did some very intense things early on, then I ‘settled down’ and left the lifestyle behind for about a decade.  When I returned, I slow-rolled my reintroduction to things and I’ve stayed mostly out of the soft chewy center.

Anyone who is claiming levels of experience that they don’t have is a poseur and twit.  Anyone who attempts to engage in BDSM activities for which he does not have the appropriate amount of skill and experience is a danger and can get you killed.  Just stay away.

4) Bottoming from the Top

“Okay, I’m in charge.  You’re my slave.  Now tie me up and whip me!”

These poor boys are just confused.  Soon they’re going to call themselves switches, and eventually they’re realize that they’re reallize submissives and just make the switch.

Don’t get me wrong… there is nothing wrong with being a male submissive.  I was once.  It’s a lot more common than you would think.  I would go so far as to say that almost everyone has some submissive tendencies at times.  But there is a great deal of social pressure in both the vanilla and BDSM worlds for men to be men and that involves being the Dominant in a lot of people’s minds.

So, in order to get their needs met, many men will come into the scene as Dominants when they really don’t want to be.  You often hear about Topping from the Bottom, and this is exactly the same thing it’s just what you would call it if you reversed the labels. The roles are the same, the outcomes are the same, and it’s a broken dynamic.  Everyone leaves unfulfilled.  Avoid.

3) I know what you need.

“I just automagically know what your limits and needs are, we don’t need to negotiate/need a contract/need to talk about things.”

I’ve said it a million times and I’ll probably get out a million more before I croak.  Negotiation is the core of BDSM.  Safewords are essential.  Contracts can be useful in formalizing these negotiations.  But at the root of everything, negotiation is what separates BDSM from abuse.

Yes, yes, I’ve heard it a million times…  “But he really does know me so well.  He can always tell when I need to stop and he automagically stops.”

That right there is a mixture of endorphins, oxytocin, and wishful thinking.  It’s something that happens at the beginning of every new relationship.  The ‘Honeymoon Period’ – if you will.  When you first begin things, you’re both being extra careful, you’re also over the moon with all sorts of pain ameliorating hormones and feel like the world is a magical place.

It might stay that way for awhile, but try playing with someone you’re not actually in a relationship with, or who you don’t know very well, and somehow all of those magical ESP-like senses are gone.  Wait a few months until familiarity takes the place of passion and they’re gone as well.  And that’s when the mistakes start to happen.  That’s when the labels change… suddenly you start to wonder, “is this abuse?” or even “has he been this way all along?”

Avoid that issue entirely.

Negotiate in advance.  Stick to your agreement.  Understand – don’t just feel.  Feeling is great!  Feeling can be the most wonderful thing in the world, and I’ll never tell you not to, because that would be hypocritical of me.  I get off on NRE as much as the next person.  It’s my favorite drug.  But negotiate first, before you get blind, before you start down a path that only ends in tears.

2) Aftercare? What’s that? I’m done.

“Okay <insert pet name here> I just came, you can clean up and go home now.”

Newbie players, both Tops and bottoms, often treat BDSM scenes like sex.  They’re used to ending a date with sex and then going home.  This is pretty bad even in the vanilla world, but men can be afraid of ‘attachment’ – by which they mean that they’re afraid that the woman involved is going to develop feelings and then things will be messy and painful when the sex isn’t good anymore and he wants to move on to greener pastures.

The problem is that BDSM scenes up the ante by quite a bit.  We’re pushing physical and emotional boundaries and the need for adequate aftercare cannot be overstated.

Sometimes this is also merely a problem of a new initiate not knowing what to do or how to go about it, but those situations can be fixed.

As a general rule, aftercare should be in person, immediately following the scene, for at least as long as the scene itself, often much longer.  It also entails check-ins the following day and perhaps even further beyond that, since some of the emotional issues may not manifest right away.  A failure to do this will cause harm and resentment.

If you aren’t getting adequate aftercare, ask for it.  If the Dominant that you’re playing with is not responsive to your request or if the lack of aftercare is part of a pattern of behavior, you might be better off seeking a different Dominant.

1) Title inflammation

Email:

To: NewSubI’veNeverMet

From: SomeRandomDude

Subject: First message

I am your Master now, you will refer to me as MasterBigDaddy and you are my slave.  You will meet me at Starbucks tomorrow at 7:00pm and I will give you instructions on how to satisfy me.

Your Lord and Master,

SomeRandomDudeYou’veNeverMetOrTalkedToBefore

 

Yeah, I realize that ‘inflation’ is probably the right word, but I like connotations that ‘inflammation’ provides.

When I have talked to women – and it’s worth noting here that even Dommes apparently get this treatment – about their experiences on kink dating and social media sites, what I almost always hear about are stories about self-proclaimed Doms sending them unsolicited messages and ordering them to do things as if they were owned property.  It seems to be the general consensus that these misguided individuals believe that any female who posts a profile on a kink site is just begging to be taken control of by a strong and powerful man like them.

Guys – women in kink are still people.  You will get much, much farther with them by treating them as such, by listening to what they have to say, by learning what they want and then figuring out if you are a compatible match, rather than immediate assuming that you have all of the answers and that you just need to be forceful enough and they’ll bend to your almighty will.

And really, that’s what this is about, this whole post… we’re all people here.  We have failings, we have strengths, we have things that we’re good at, and we all have a lot more to learn.

Don’t think that bravado can substitute for experience.  Don’t think that arrogance can substitute for understanding.

I’ve been here for quite a long time, and my path is still evolving.  I’m still learning.  I’m teaching as well, but as I’ve known ever since my first days as a math tutor in junior high school – you never learn something better than when you try to teach it to someone else.

 

 

*Dollar offer Fine print: (Offer subject to verification.  Only one entry per person, per contest will be judged.  Offer may not be combined with other offers.  Odds of winning depend on number of entries received. The total value of all prizes awarded will not exceed one dollar in the currency of the contest provider’s choice.  All entries must be accompanied by a video of the contestant wearing only domrant.com branded clothing (wearing no clothing is accepted as a valid interpretation of ‘wearing only domrant.com branded clothing’) and reciting the Gettysburg Address.  Video and entry become the sole property of the contest provider and may be used for any purpose whatsoever, including, but not limited to the creations of promotional materials or masturbation fodder. Contest ends whenever I decide it’s over.)