It’s been awhile since I’ve made an entry and to those of you who had become accustomed to frequent updates, I apologize and will see that things get back on track in short order. My life became pretty interesting for a couple of weeks there and I had to focus my energy elsewhere, but things seem to be normalizing now.
This is going to be a bit more of a personal entry than I’ve been making, with the possible exception of the Distillation of Rant entry.
That entry was about life and limerence. This blog’s mission has been stated as to provide the views of one Dom (namely, me) on life, love, and limerence. So far, I’ve avoided love.
Oddly, when I started this blog, just about two months ago, I believed myself incapable of feeling love again in the traditional sense of eros.
Most people who are likely to read this blog are probably familiar with the ancient Greek concepts of eros and agape. If not, I’ll provide a grossly oversimplified definition and then urge you to do some research of your own.
The Greeks believed in two forms of love – other cultures have had more or less, but generally these two types are pervasive.
Eros is romantic love. This is what you feel in the pit of your stomach when you’re around the object of your affection. This is the thing that makes it feel like your heart has skipped a beat, like your mind has fled your body, and you’re mired in the depths of some kind of sticky, warm, comfortable trap from which you don’t want to escape. When we speak of matters of the heart, this is what we’re talking about more often than not. Often this gets equated to ‘lust’ in English, but that’s not quite right… it’s deeper and more fulfilling than lust. And quite a bit more dangerous.
Agape is ‘brotherly’ or ‘familial’ love. This is what you feel when you think about your children, your parents, your close friends, but also your romantic partner — if you find yourself in a relationship rather than an arrangement. This is characterized more by loss than presence. Whereas with eros, you feel it deeply when you are in the presence of your love, with agape you are more likely to notice its absence when you are away from the object of your affection.
Of course, there is a lot of bleed-through with these concepts. It’s nearly impossible to feel eros without some agape seeping through, and it’s often the case that those for whom we feel agape (when not so prevented by taboo, and even sometimes when it is) will be the object for which we feel eros from time to time, if not consistently.
Semantics sorted, we’re left with a modicum of understanding about what this ‘love’ thing is, at least in Rant’s mind.
So – for possibly the first time in Rant’s life, he finds himself in love.
Please forgive that brief and annoying use of the third person to describe myself, but those concepts are so foreign to how I perceived the world a scant few months ago that I find it difficult to express in any other way, but here’s the defining statement for you: I believe that I have found the love of my life.
This is problematic for me for a few reasons, but those problems mask their own solutions, and they are a path to a deeper understanding, one that allows neither of us the luxury of seeing ourselves as soft or breakable, but something that strengthens us both immeasurably, together and separately.
Firstly, our relationship is steeped in the BDSM world. Our friends routinely beat, bleed, berate, and fuck each other, sometimes where we can bear witness, and neither of us is a stranger to that sort of activity. Blood and I are not the best of friends, and I’ve already mentioned my difficulties with humiliation, but physicality rarely bothers me – I am a very physical/tactile person. I get off on tying girls down and smacking them with my hands or tools or shocking the hell out of them with my violet wand. I bite. I choke. I enjoy sex when it is both soft and slow as well as rough and tumble, but there is little that gets me harder more quickly than my hand on the throat of a woman who has given herself to me, and little that does it for me as much as my hand coiled and firmly grasping the hair at the back of her head as I hold her down and fuck her with every bit of force I can put into it…
But can I do that to the one I love? Can I watch someone else do that to the one I love? I’m a protective person by nature – I will go to extreme lengths to protect and ensure the welfare of those I care about. The dichotomy that this sets up in my mind when I think about someone delivering pain to the one I love, knowing that she has asked for and desires this, balanced against my desire to prevent it… it is interesting. I’ve allowed her to play with others, and my love for her and confidence in her devotion to me allows me to experience true compersion, but the desire to protect and keep safe is always there in the back of my mind.
Devotion is my kink, and because she loves me every bit as much as I love her, the devotion I feel from her is worship, truly. The call of one who shows me the trappings of devotion is normally quite strong, but when I see love and devotion coming from the same set of eyes, something in my heart breaks. When my love commits an act that is disrespectful, our agreement, our understanding, our roles require that I correct that action. To do any less than that would be disrespectful in kind, not just to her, but to myself and to us together.. so even though those puppy-dog eyes make my heart melt, I must follow through. I have raised my hand to her in punishment rarely, only once that I can think of, and the punishment of all punishments – being sent to the corner – has been employed once as well. But she is a good girl and I am a patient Master.
This is a process.
This is a deepening of our devotion to each other. And despite what the dynamic would lead one to believe, despite the fact that my love is owned and collared by me, despite the fact that she has submitted to me and become my property, the partnership that we have formed together is stronger and more powerful than any other I’ve ever experienced.
Relationships are hard. They require patience and work and devotion.
Did I mention that devotion is my kink?
I am Rant, and I am the big serious.
And I has a happy.
I hope this wasn’t too much of a departure, but I had to broadcast it.