Today I’m having what I describe as ‘an aggressive day.’
I’m getting over a cold and I am still slightly sick, so I think that’s probably got something to do with it, but I can’t be certain. If I were feeling more contemplative, I’d remark on how it’s interesting that so much can happen in my body that affects my mind for which I have no control, but today I just want to choke someone. Not necessarily in a bad way, and not necessarily in a sexual way either, I just want to put my hands on someone’s throat and squeeze until I feel better.
I used to think that this was evidence of the fact that I’m a monster.
Now, I’m certain that it is… *grin* – but I’m no longer concerned that being a monster is a bad thing. Letting the monster loose is half of the reason I am involved in this lifestyle. For too many years I pushed him down and kept him penned in.. it made me a very unhappy person to be denying a part of myself in such a way.
Aggression and passivity are often placed at separate sides of the same spectrum, but I know things to be infinitely more complex than that.
Is this aggressiveness of mine a factor in my choosing the Dominant lifestyle? Absolutely, but it’s not sufficient, and I would once more caution any aspiring submissives in my audience that aggression is not a necessary or sufficient criterion for being a Dominant.
When I was a much younger man, these things would happen more frequently. I suspect that it is something that is correlated with the levels of free testosterone that I have in my system, and there are several studies in recent years that would seem to indicate that testosterone levels in men begin to decline at age 35 and rapidly decrease over time. But then again, I have also ingested a great deal more caffeine today than I am accustomed to, so that may be a factor as well. Regardless of physiological reasons for it, sometimes I like it, sometimes I don’t.. today, I’m having fun with it.
It’s a powerful feeling.
I walked to the store today to get a salad for lunch, and I was feeling aggressive, so I was projecting asshole with a chip on my shoulder as I walked. People get out of my way; it’s amusing to watch. I don’t have to say a thing and groups part so that I can split them. I walked into a crosswalk and a van actually backed up to get out of my way. Perhaps he was merely being polite or it might have just been my bright orange shirt, but I like to think that even he was affected by my body language and decided that the prudent course of action for him was to get out of my way.
As a Dominant, there is little that is quite as satisfying as having someone bend to my Will without even having to speak.
I feel like I can think faster, like I can cause the world to bend to me rather than me reacting to the world around me. It’s a trick of perception, of course.. the universe doesn’t care about me in the least, but for those moments of delusion, it’s fun.
I am reminded of a client that I used to have.. she would not have described herself as a submissive, or even as kinky, but she really liked it when I would be aggressive with her, physically, emotionally, and mentally. She was a small woman, and she loved the fact that I’m a physically intimidating man at times. I’m only six feet tall, so I’m not the biggest man in the world, but she was only five feet tall herself, and she might have weighed 90 lbs. She didn’t like the implements of BDSM. She was scared to death of floggers and whips, she did not enjoy being bound with ropes or restraints, but she loved it when I would pick her up and toss her around. She actually liked to be thrown at the wall… we would spend the majority of our session with her charging me and I’d grapple her, choke her, hold her down, or pick her up bodily and toss her away from me, where she would hit the wall or the bed or couch and then get up and charge me again. It was probably one of the more physically demanding things I would be called upon to do.
It was not clear to me, and probably not to her as well, which confuses me a bit, that it was always play. At times it was light-hearted and fun. She’d giggle as she charged me, and squeal when I would catch her and lift her over my head and toss her away. But sometimes it would get rough. She’d bite, hard, and I’d backhand her to get her teeth off of me, hard. She’d have bruises at the end, and I would have bite marks that lasted for days.
She’s scream at me and tell me that I was weak and that I had a small cock and that she was going to kick my ass. Humiliation is really not my bag, her telling me these things did nothing at all for me, but they sure got her fired up. I’d respond by telling her to give it her best shot and that I was going to fuck her until she bled. She’d run at me and I’d grab her by the throat and push her down or even lift her up in the classic comic-book move where the evil warlord is holding the protagonist up by the neck with one hand. It was only because she was so small that I could do this at all and not for very long at that. She would kick at me and flail at my arm with hers, and she could have broken my grip and got free at any point – it’s actually nearly impossible to hold a person in that position, but she didn’t want to.. she wanted to be held that way, it was a fantasy for her.
I’d grab her throat until she started to turn blue and then I’d respond with a quiet voice, “See, little girl? You’re helpless and now I’m going to hold you down and fuck you until you break.” And then I would hold her down and fuck her, with her saying, “Hurt me. Harder. Please hurt me..” over and over again before she came.
It was some of the kinkiest sex I’ve ever had, and yet, she would still maintain that she wasn’t the least bit kinky at all. People are strange.
Today I would have given her a proper session, but I wasn’t always able to on command. I used to get down on myself for this fact, and sometimes I still do. I haven’t done anything nearly so intense with my current partner, and I know she wants me to, I just have to be in the right frame of mind and be feeling physically capable, which is something I have struggled with since my car accident.
But days like this are encouraging, and the pain today is not too strong, so I look forward to the next time schedules and moods intersect, and though my partner isn’t expecting it, I’m pretty sure that she’ll approve when it occurs.
Even if she doesn’t, it is my Will, and I am the big D in our relationship, so it will eventually happen.
Breaking things is sometimes fun, and fixing things is sometimes too.
Best though, is when you can do both at once.
I look forward to it.
I am Rant, but this was an admission and a story.