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bdsm

9 Reasons to avoid a noob Dom

Preface: this is a bit of a different sort of post than I usually publish.  I was in an odd mood and decided to try humor as a vehicle for talking about some otherwise unfunny things.  I’m going to use foul language a great deal more than normal.  You may not like the results.  But rest assured, I’ll be back with my normal fare soon enough.  Until then, peruse and send in the hate mail…

Firstly, I’d like to go on record as saying that I generally abhor Top N lists, where N is any number you like to put there… They’re all over the interwebs though, and I’m told that if I write one, the readers will come in droves, that I’ll be featured on reddit and slashdot, and that I’ll immediately enjoy overnight success, fame, money, and of course, more pussy than I can shake a stick at.

Why I’d want to shake a stick at it, I don’t know… if you can tell me that, I’ll give you a dollar.*

Please regard this entry, in it’s entirety, as farce.

Of course, some parts of this may be using humor to tackle a problematic and sensitive topic.  Take it as you will… I just wrote it, it’s up to you to interpret it.

6) Bigger’n his britches syndrome

Otherwise known as “my cock is so big that I can’t fit it in my pants” – syndrome.

Let’s face it, the allure of BDSM for most of us is sex.  If not sex directly, it’s something related to sex.  It’s an expression of how we do sex, or it’s a way to more easily find suitable sex partners who will put up with our deviant pruriencies.

For many men (and possibly some women too) sex is not an altogether easy thing to get in the vanilla world.  A young man can become easily frustrated trying to chase tail and getting rejected implicitly and explicitly all over the place.

People who are attracted to the BDSM lifestyle tend to be highly sexually motivated.  They tend to be inclusive and are often more open with what they find to be physically attractive.  The important factors for submissives are often more about how you act than how you look.  To many of the newly initiated, this looks like a ‘magic sex switch’.

“Hey, if I just act like an asshole, I’ll be drowning in pussy,” thinks the naive young proto-Dom.

The problem is, that about half the time, he’s right.

It takes a little while before you can tell the difference between asshole and Dominant in some cases.  And often, that’s long enough for the naive proto-Dom to get his dick wet, and suddenly he thinks that he’s the Daddy Mac or the Mac Daddy or somesuch.

Eventually the proto-sub that our proto-Dom has been treating like garbage realizes that being treated like garbage has nothing to do with Dominance and she flees.  But our proto-Dom has just had more and better sex than he’s ever seen in his life, and he reasons that if he can just be even more asshole-ish that he can get even more pussy, and so the spiral begins…

Avoid these types like the plague, because they’re not experienced enough to be as promiscuous as they’ve become and they’re probably infected with a strain or three.

And yes, I realize that I promised 9 items in the title and I started my list with 6.  9 is not 6 and 6 is not 9, and while I am a huge fan of cunnilingus, 69 is not among my favorite positions, but it’s fun every once in awhile.

5) Over 10 years of experience!

Profile:

Screen Name: ClitMasterGodCommander848

Role: Dominant/Master

Gender: Male

Age: 25

Experience Level: Master (10+ years)

Activity Level: I live and breath it!

Seeking: Female Submissive

Profile Text:

“I have ben a DOM all my life. I live the DBSM lifestyle 24/7 n I will PWN you.  Cum now and pray to ur GOD!”

I don’t care how adventurous you are, but if you are 25, no one is going to believe that you have “over 10 years of experience as a DOM(sic).”

When you’re talking about years of experience, you should make sure that it makes sense.  I am 40 years old.  I claim to have been in and out of the BDSM lifestyle for the past 15 years (or slightly more) but if I were to claim ‘years of experience’ I would be most comfortable saying that I have about 5 years of active experience.  For the majority of the time since I’ve been inducted into this lifestyle, I’ve lived a pretty vanilla life.  I did some very intense things early on, then I ‘settled down’ and left the lifestyle behind for about a decade.  When I returned, I slow-rolled my reintroduction to things and I’ve stayed mostly out of the soft chewy center.

Anyone who is claiming levels of experience that they don’t have is a poseur and twit.  Anyone who attempts to engage in BDSM activities for which he does not have the appropriate amount of skill and experience is a danger and can get you killed.  Just stay away.

4) Bottoming from the Top

“Okay, I’m in charge.  You’re my slave.  Now tie me up and whip me!”

These poor boys are just confused.  Soon they’re going to call themselves switches, and eventually they’re realize that they’re really submissives and just make the switch.

Don’t get me wrong… there is nothing wrong with being a male submissive.  I was once.  It’s a lot more common than you would think.  I would go so far as to say that almost everyone has some submissive tendencies at times.  But there is a great deal of social pressure in both the vanilla and BDSM worlds for men to be men and that involves being the Dominant in a lot of people’s minds.

So, in order to get their needs met, many men will come into the scene as Dominants when they really don’t want to be.  You often hear about Topping from the Bottom, and this is exactly the same thing it’s just what you would call it if you reversed the labels. The roles are the same, the outcomes are the same, and it’s a broken dynamic.  Everyone leaves unfulfilled.  Avoid.

3) I know what you need.

“I just automagically know what your limits and needs are, we don’t need to negotiate/need a contract/need to talk about things.”

I’ve said it a million times and I’ll probably get out a million more before I croak.  Negotiation is the core of BDSM.  Safewords are essential.  Contracts can be useful in formalizing these negotiations.  But at the root of everything, negotiation is what separates BDSM from abuse.

Yes, yes, I’ve heard it a million times…  “But he really does know me so well.  He can always tell when I need to stop and he automagically stops.”

That right there is a mixture of endorphins, oxytocin, and wishful thinking.  It’s something that happens at the beginning of every new relationship.  The ‘Honeymoon Period’ – if you will.  When you first begin things, you’re both being extra careful, you’re also over the moon with all sorts of pain ameliorating hormones and feel like the world is a magical place.

It might stay that way for awhile, but try playing with someone you’re not actually in a relationship with, or who you don’t know very well, and somehow all of those magical ESP-like senses are gone.  Wait a few months until familiarity takes the place of passion and they’re gone as well.  And that’s when the mistakes start to happen.  That’s when the labels change… suddenly you start to wonder, “is this abuse?” or even “has he been this way all along?”

Avoid that issue entirely.

Negotiate in advance.  Stick to your agreement.  Understand – don’t just feel.  Feeling is great!  Feeling can be the most wonderful thing in the world, and I’ll never tell you not to, because that would be hypocritical of me.  I get off on NRE as much as the next person.  It’s my favorite drug.  But negotiate first, before you get blind, before you start down a path that only ends in tears.

2) Aftercare? What’s that? I’m done.

“Okay <insert pet name here> I just came, you can clean up and go home now.”

Newbie players, both Tops and bottoms, often treat BDSM scenes like sex.  They’re used to ending a date with sex and then going home.  This is pretty bad even in the vanilla world, but men can be afraid of ‘attachment’ – by which they mean that they’re afraid that the woman involved is going to develop feelings and then things will be messy and painful when the sex isn’t good anymore and he wants to move on to greener pastures.

The problem is that BDSM scenes up the ante by quite a bit.  We’re pushing physical and emotional boundaries and the need for adequate aftercare cannot be overstated.

Sometimes this is also merely a problem of a new initiate not knowing what to do or how to go about it, but those situations can be fixed.

As a general rule, aftercare should be in person, immediately following the scene, for at least as long as the scene itself, often much longer.  It also entails check-ins the following day and perhaps even further beyond that, since some of the emotional issues may not manifest right away.  A failure to do this will cause harm and resentment.

If you aren’t getting adequate aftercare, ask for it.  If the Dominant that you’re playing with is not responsive to your request or if the lack of aftercare is part of a pattern of behavior, you might be better off seeking a different Dominant.

1) Title inflammation

Email:

To: NewSubI’veNeverMet

From: SomeRandomDude

Subject: First message

I am your Master now, you will refer to me as MasterBigDaddy and you are my slave.  You will meet me at Starbucks tomorrow at 7:00pm and I will give you instructions on how to satisfy me.

Your Lord and Master,

SomeRandomDudeYou’veNeverMetOrTalkedToBefore

 

Yeah, I realize that ‘inflation’ is probably the right word, but I like connotations that ‘inflammation’ provides.

When I have talked to women – and it’s worth noting here that even Dommes apparently get this treatment – about their experiences on kink dating and social media sites, what I almost always hear about are stories about self-proclaimed Doms sending them unsolicited messages and ordering them to do things as if they were owned property.  It seems to be the general consensus that these misguided individuals believe that any female who posts a profile on a kink site is just begging to be taken control of by a strong and powerful man like them.

Guys – women in kink are still people.  You will get much, much farther with them by treating them as such, by listening to what they have to say, by learning what they want and then figuring out if you are a compatible match, rather than immediate assuming that you have all of the answers and that you just need to be forceful enough and they’ll bend to your almighty will.

And really, that’s what this is about, this whole post… we’re all people here.  We have failings, we have strengths, we have things that we’re good at, and we all have a lot more to learn.

Don’t think that bravado can substitute for experience.  Don’t think that arrogance can substitute for understanding.

I’ve been here for quite a long time, and my path is still evolving.  I’m still learning.  I’m teaching as well, but as I’ve known ever since my first days as a math tutor in junior high school – you never learn something better than when you try to teach it to someone else.

 

 

*Dollar offer Fine print: (Offer subject to verification.  Only one entry per person, per contest will be judged.  Offer may not be combined with other offers.  Odds of winning depend on number of entries received. The total value of all prizes awarded will not exceed one dollar in the currency of the contest provider’s choice.  All entries must be accompanied by a video of the contestant wearing only domrant.com branded clothing (wearing no clothing is accepted as a valid interpretation of ‘wearing only domrant.com branded clothing’) and reciting the Gettysburg Address.  Video and entry become the sole property of the contest provider and may be used for any purpose whatsoever, including, but not limited to the creations of promotional materials or masturbation fodder. Contest ends whenever I decide it’s over.)

bdsm, control, dominance, life

The Zen Dom

3 Comments

Over the weekend I ran across this – Letting Go of Attachment – and I recognized in it a philosophy that I have been trying, not always with the greatest of success, to implement for my own life.

I have to wonder how Lori Deschene and Leo Babauta would feel about being linked to a site run by a BDSM Dom who named himself Rant and started this blog as a place to complain about what he saw as problems in a community that he had turned his back on, returned to, and found lacking… but the truth is that I find them to be inspiring, and in the very short time that I’ve been writing I’ve changed my outlook on so many things, just from putting the words out there and listening to the thoughts of others.

You may have some questions about how it’s possible that I, admittedly a Dom, possibly a control freak, could possibly hope to live without attachment.  It seems antithetical to the very mantle which I’ve just taken up, does it not?  I mean, the essence of Domination is control, and my own personal road to happiness was rocky and uncertain until I embraced that mindset for myself again and accepted my Dominant nature.  How could those two things possibly coexist in the same person?

Perhaps they are not as incompatible as they might at first seem…

Ever since I first read Leaves of Grass in high school, this has been a favorite passage of mine, from Song of Myself, by Walt Whitman.

Do I contradict myself?

Very well then, I contradict myself,

(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

Even as a teenager, I understood and related to those words as part of the complex structure that makes up me and I have used them as a balm over the years to quiet my worried mind.

My personal journey to get to where I am in life now has been interesting, but I am finally and quite possibly for the first time in my life, happy.

I’ve studied many religions, practiced several, sought wisdom in self-help books and the writings of others.  I have been through individual therapy, group therapy, couples’ therapy, and psychiatric assistance.  I have used drugs, both natural and synthetic, prescribed for me or found through illicit channels.  I have done yoga, exercise, meditation, hypnosis, and attempted to express myself in art.  I have retreated into virtual worlds and even made my own.  I have worked as a video game programmer, for a private investigator, and even as a sex worker.  I have cleaved to my family and ostracized myself from them.  I have told the fortunes of others and cast rods to divine my own future.  I have been married, twice.  I have had several intimate relationships and lots and lots of sex.  I have driven fast cars and ridden running horses.  I have tried almost everything that anyone has ever suggested to me as a way to become enlightened, to lift my dark spirit and to try to find happiness.  It does not surprise me at all, today, that none of those things worked for me.

I am a Dominant.  I am an atheist.  I am a pacifist.  I am a father and a guide and a feminist.  I am worthy of being loved and I love myself.  I am calm.

Throughout all of those experiences that I detail above I fought my inner self.  I denied my feelings and persecuted myself, borrowing the Catholic guilt that I was raised with to hold my own desires at bay… I told myself that the me who desired to Dominate was wrong.  That each person is his own individual and it was wrong for me to want to have that authority over another.  I found myself submitting to others, not in the BDSM sense, but in a very real-world sense, all of the time.  I did not have the confidence to stand up for my feelings because they were wrong.  I hated myself for these horrible thoughts that I had about what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be.

How did I resolve that with letting go?

I stepped away from myself and looked at the dynamic.

I let go of my self hatred.  I let go of the assumed societal restrictions on permitted thoughts and desires and I accepted myself and my ‘dark’ side.  I have no desire to hurt anyone, quite the opposite, actually.  I have no desire to injure anyone, I have no desire to inflict unwanted pain, but there is also the pain that reminds you that you are alive and the pain the brings with it the intense emotional release that I got when I submitted to Simone.  There is such a thing as an embrace of pain that frees you from other pains.

I was molested as a young man.  It was no one in my family, and indeed, they still don’t know that it occurred and if this ever gets linked back to me and placed in front of them a great many uncomfortable discussions will likely result, but it happened and it turned me into a brooding, angry, anti-social young man for a long time.  Simone’s compassionate brutality helped me to face my demons and reclaim for me the things that were taken from me.  Some of them, anyway.

I Dominate those that give themselves to me willingly.  I will not accept submission from someone who is incapable of understanding what they are doing and I will not attempt to hold anyone who does not wish to be with me any longer or even those who can no longer benefit from doing so, whether they choose to see it or not.

This is a very scary thing.

Strong is the impulse to hold on, to claim a lover as mine and mine alone, but I know that I cannot be all things to all people, and no one person can be all things to me.  To truly open my heart, I must accept that now, in this time, at this place, this person is trusting me with herself and the joy that brings me is incomprehensible.  The joy that I feel when given that trust and that submission cannot be measured, and there is nothing wrong with me for feeling that way, just as there is nothing wrong with her for wanting to give herself to me in such a way.  These are maladaptive behaviors, perhaps.  They may be remnants of a primitive psychology, or they may simply be facets of a larger gem, I don’t know, but I want to know, and I will never give up exploring, and yet for now, right now, accepting is good enough.

Yes, I get off on having a pretty girl sit at my feet and lean on my leg and look up at me through long eyelashes with doe eyes and say, “yes, Sir.”  If I believed in any gods, I would invoke them now to prove the conviction behind my thought.  Once I thought that this made me a monster.  Once I thought that this meant that there is something wrong with me, but there is not.

I am a kind Master, and a brutal lover, and a king of my own domain, and the confidence that I have to be those things, and to love myself for them comes from letting go of everything, even those lovers and that domain itself, because wherever I am, it is with me, and whoever they be, I am loved.  And I am happy.

I am Rant.

bdsm, rant

Living the lifestyle

I’ve been around the block once or twice.

I’m not old, but I’m no spring chicken, that’s for sure.

BDSM today is a lot more complicated than it was when I was first putting my toes into the water, so to speak.

Firstly, there seems to be this conceptual gap that people can’t seem to see past that I don’t think was ever present before, at least not in the circles that I swam in.  “The lifestyle” is all there is to some people, and anyone who is not living in a 24/7 Total Power Exchange is not ‘real BDSM’.

One of the things that first attracted me to BDSM was the acceptance that followed with being with a group of like minded people who were unafraid to express who they were and what they liked.

What happened to that?

When did it become okay to order around someone else’s submissive without permission?  I saw that happen recently and I was shocked.  Never in a million years would I be so disrespectful.

I don’t recall so many alpha contests happening in my youth.  Perhaps I wasn’t interested in playing, but then, I’m not all that interested in it now.

My pack is not your pack is not the pack at large, and I don’t have to challenge every other Dom to know where I fit.   I can be respectful and even deferential to an equal, especially when I am in His house.   And I have a right to expect the same respect when you are in mine, and there is no violation of hierarchy or protocol involved.

There are no absolutes in BDSM, and that is its strength.

BDSM uses contracts, but more than that, BDSM is a contract.  No matter who you are or what your role is, your place in the shared construct is determined by everyone’s willingness to play.  If you don’t play fair, you can go home.

Just because I claim to be Master Rant, does that give me the right to assume that any submissive must bend to my will?  Where I was raised and inducted into this method of expression – because never forget, that is what BDSM is, it’s a shared fantasy, it’s a choice – where I was raised and brought into this way of life that would never fly.

Not every D/s pair likes to share.  And that is their right.

Not every unclaimed sub is looking for some random Master to come pull him off of his feet and drag him away to be beaten.

There seem to be a great many un-Dom-like Doms out there today, and I’m not sure where they came from or where they got their sense of entitlement and lack of morals.

If I saw a sub kneeling beside her Dom at a club or event, never in a million years would I approach her without first approaching him and seeking his permission and approval.

If I saw an apparently unclaimed sub, never would I just walk up and give her orders, or attempt to punish her for failing to refer to me as Sir.

Honor.  Respect.  These are concepts and ideals that are eternal, or at least they should be.  The strength of any society is in the willingness of its members to remain a part of it, the moment that we break the implicit social contract that comes with this lifestyle we place the whole edifice in danger of collapse.

Being a good Dom does not mean wearing arrogance like a badge and demanding that others see you as you want them to, because anyone with any experience sees right through that.

I am a Dom, and I have no difficulty at all in navigating the currents of this shared fantasy we live in because I know who I am and I do not need you to tell me.

That is the weakness that masquerades as strength.

When you insist that I call you Lord Thunderbottom or that my slave refers to you as Sir whenever you address her, you are showing me your fear.

If you would like to converse with my slave you will ask me and I may even consult her before I give you permission.  That makes me strong, because I understand the bond that we have, and if you call me weak for allowing her to have an opinion, you are showing me that you are afraid of your own shadow and I call you not-Dom.

 

This is my opinion. This is not a call to action. This is a rant…

Rant off.