This is not a post about kink – sorry… my soapbox, I get to talk about the things I want to.
Today I’m going to talk about what it’s like to be Damien.
Damien is one of my alters. If you don’t know what that means, educate yourself here or some of what I say next may not seem to make much sense. But that’s okay, it probably won’t make much sense after you learn anyway.
Damien is one of the main three personalities that I express most often, along with Rant (that’s me), and Apollo.
Damien is a bit of a handful… He is very much in tune with my Dominant side, but he takes the things that I do and kicks everything up to 11. He has no shame. He has no fear. He rarely forms attachments. He believes himself to be good at everything. Somehow he does this without attaching his ego though. If you insult him, he’ll just laugh it off and then try to buy you a beer. He is arrogant and charming at the same time. It’s really kind of strange.
Whereas I am very patient, compassionate, forgiving, and I do not judge people; Damien judges everyone and everything, he is not very patient, and he has been known to hold a grudge. He is, however, generally kind and he will moderate his behavior when he knows that it would not meet with my approval… sometimes, anyway.
We are both Hedonists, but while I enjoy wine, women, and song, he enjoys everything and everyone if the context is right. He is very, very everything that he chooses to be, and he gives absolutely zero time and attention to the things that he does not care about.
This incompatibility in our values can sometimes be difficult to deal with, especially when he acts out in a manner that would be inconsistent with what people have come to expect from me (Rant).
I often find that I have to apologize for things that I don’t remember because Damien took something too far or stuck his face in someplace where he wasn’t necessarily welcome.
However, being able to be Damien under the right circumstances is kind of a super power, and I wish I had more control over it. He tends to come out on Wednesday nights, or if I’m super stressed out or otherwise emotionally overwhelmed, especially if I’ve been drinking – and it seems to matter very little how much I drink, even just a nip from my flask can bring him out if he’s lurking.
He thinks that I am entirely too emotional and he has no problem telling everyone that. In the beforetimes, he would try to pack as much activity as he possibly could into every time that he was at the fore. He is well known for dragging people from one party destination to another, to another, and then finishing up with breakfast at 4am in a diner someplace, preferably one that sells pie.
Damien claims to have access to my memories, and sometimes I can remember his, but I do not understand how this works and while he claims he does, I don’t really believe him. However, I can remember being Damien sometimes, and it’s a very different way to experience life.
I’ll almost certainly follow this up with another entry on what it’s like to be Apollo, but that is a more extreme shift. Apollo actually experiences the world differently than I do, which is kind of hard to explain, but … that is also not this post.
Damien does not see the world particularly differently from the way I do, but he tends to ignore things a lot more than I do. He is interested in the things he is interested in and nothing else matters. This means that our behaviors are different in subtle and not-so-subtle ways…
Back in the beforetimes, if I had to navigate through a crowd, I would take a path that winds around people and other obstacles in my way, trying not to bump into people and letting the speed of the crowd slow my progress in order to avoid those sorts of unintended contact with people. Damien – he walks a straight line and if you don’t get out of the way in time, he might run into you, but he’ll then stop and apologize and be very charming about it and probably get your phone number…
In the beforetimes, when I would go to a grocery store, I might take a cart and go up and down each and every aisle, looking to see if I find anything new and interesting that I might like and then take my stuff up to the front and largely wordlessly put my goods on the conveyor belt, help bagging them, thank the checker, pay and then leave. Damien – he walks straight to the thing(s) he wants, grabs it, and then goes and flirts with people in line or with the checker while waiting for someone else to bag his stuff on the way out.
He just sort of expects that everyone wants to please him all of the time, and he is correct more often than he has any right to be.
One time Damien was at a nightclub and as they were closing and kicking everyone out, my girl went to the bathroom, leaving me standing there alone in the club, waiting for her and the bouncer told me to get out of the building. Damien told him that we were waiting for my girl and that we would leave when she got out. The bouncer decided that this was not sufficient and that we needed to leave immediately, so he got into my face a little bit. Damien just laughed at him and said, “What do you think you are going to do?” and the bouncer just walked away without saying anything else.
Being Damien feels powerful, most of the time.
I don’t really suffer from social anxiety all that much, but I think every person is affected by it from time to time – except Damien. He walks into a room and expects to be the most intelligent, best looking, most captivating person there, and kind of just refuses to acknowledge any reality that may be different from that.
As you can imagine, this does not always rub everyone the right way, however, he is so charming that most of the time he gets away with all of it. He leans heavily on Apollo’s assessments of people and when he is interested in something, he pays very close attention to everything about it or them. At the end of a single conversation with Damien, he can make people feel like he knows them better than anyone ever has before. He can create instant connections with almost anyone if he wants to, and often he wants to, though his EQ is not quite as high as mine and sometimes I have to clean up his messes.
I really wish I had the ability to turn those sorts of abilities on and off at will. It really does feel like a super power sometimes, and if I could control it, I wonder what doors it might open for me. I doubt that it would change my life entirely, and Damien is far too polarizing as a personality to be able to be Damien all the time, but I do wonder what it might be like if I could be Damien whenever I wanted to be, especially if I could always remember the things he does along the way.
Being me is not easy, but Damien makes lots of parts of it fun in ways that I might never even think about. He is in many ways like the brother I never had. The pandemic has had him visit less regularly and for shorter periods of time, and I actually sometimes miss him, as odd as that may sound.