I’ve been waiting a while for the other shoe to drop.
I didn’t really realize this until recently. I was initially just stunned, then I was overwhelmed with support coming in from places where I didn’t expect to find it, but I think I’ve known that the exodus of ‘friends’ would begin eventually, and it started about two weeks ago, it would seem.
I know it shouldn’t, and even when my ex and I were still together, I knew that the circle of people to whom she introduced me were only interested in my participation because I was there with her. I wish that were not the case, because I genuinely like them. I genuinely like her. It was not a horrible break-up, as such things go. Of course she was hurt. I was hurt. But our reasons for ending things were sound, even if we don’t agree on what they are. Her reason was sound to her, and mine was sound to me. In the end, we were no longer on the same path, and I wish her the best of luck in getting what it is that she really wants, and that I was unwilling to give her.
So far, it’s not obvious what the future will hold as far as my relationships with those people go. I’d like to remain friends. I’d like to continue to see them places and even do things with them, but that might be hard, since I think it might be awhile before my ex-partner and I can be at the same places/events/venues without it being awkward. And I really wish it didn’t have to be that way.
But I’m reconnecting with old friends that I haven’t seen in years, and it feels good.
My ex has a very dynamic personality. She is naturally the center of her circle, and while I was a part of that it was intoxicating, I’ll admit. I felt like I was eventually able to stand as a part of the group on my own merits, but it seems that perhaps some individuals were interested only in my presence for the perks that I could provide, and I don’t need that sort of influence in my life anymore anyway.
So now I build a new circle, with me at the center. I am rebuilding the core that was once there and that I left to founder, and I am adding new people who share my ideals and motives.
As a Dominant, I belong in the center anyway, and this was something that I could not see clearly, but that I think was something that held me back in several of my past relationships.
I want to be clear that I do not blame my ex for my behavior in allowing my old friendships to founder – I accept full responsibility for that. And many of the relationships that I let die then, I have no interest in rekindling now, but there are a few people that I can still count on and who would have had my back at any point along the way. They are the people that I’m bringing back.
In most of these friendships, I was the hub before, and I withdrew for a bit, becoming someone that I don’t really recognize.. Dominant in private only, and while I liked to consider myself stoic and perhaps even aloof, I was really just quiet and brooding or even perhaps, unsure of myself and hiding. And that’s not me…
I’m doing well in the aftermath, I must admit. I am working on a new relationship with someone that I find I care about deeply. She is opening up new parts of me as well as pulling things out of me that I thought were long dead and buried.
I’m not so silly as to be completely blind to the possibility that this new relationship is blinding me with NRE and that there may be transference of feelings that are common in ‘rebound’ relationships, but I’ve walked that path before and this feels different.
I’ve been happy all along, and I think that makes all of the difference.
The breakup was hard, yes. And I didn’t really see it coming, that’s true, but I can look at it and say, objectively, that it was the right thing and I don’t regret it. I can feel it’s loss and not be overwhelmed, because I know that she is better off and so am I.
And now I have a new girlfriend, and she’s magnificent.
I’m still Rant, but I’m changing – back to who I used to be – back to who I want to be.